So, there I was on May 26th, laying in bed thinking about a situation that concerned me. I was dating a guy, a good guy. Even though my intuition told me that we shouldn't date, I went on ahead and did it anyway (*slaps wrist* Bad girl!). I ended up really liking him but made sure to not get too carried away with how I felt because there was a constant feeling that something wasn't right. Anyway, it didn't last long but I got a couple good lessons and reminders out of it.
One of the things that concerned me was the lack of questions. For this post I'm going to focus on primarily the lack of questions asked prior, during or after sex. I recalled the first time we had sex, how he never asked me about my sexual health history. I of course asked of his. Even when I asked him the questions he never threw the questions back at me. Red flag. Then there was the time he took the condom off. Wow buddy, pal, seriously? Red flag. Put that shit back on!
So you don't know my sexual health history, you don't know if I'm on birth control and you're just ready to enter my sweetness without prior questioning? I mean how red can this flag get? Did I pass judgment? Hell yeah! Now I'm thinking this is something you do often. You don't know when my last HIV or STI tests were. Are you ready to catch something? You don't know if I'm on birth control. Are you ready to become a father if you have a really strong swimmer that comes upon a really attractive ripe egg? Are you ready for that responsibility? Do you even know my period cycle? Are you aware of all the risks you're taking? Like, no, seriously? DO YOU? *Deep sigh.*
Back to 5/26 laying in bed. By this time we had parted ways. So, I was reflecting back on that. Then I was doing a backwards check of how many guys have actually educated themselves about my sexual health history. Based on my memory the results were staggering and not in a good way. You see, some assumed that because I go through extensive questioning that I'm good. THAT'S AN UNSAFE ASSUMPTION.
Anyway I began to wonder how many of my male friends actually ask if a girl is on birth control? So I decided to take a poll and I posed two questions to them. "Please answer honestly. From the moment you meet a girl you know whether or not you want to have sex with her. If/when the opportunity arises, do you ask if she's on birth control before you hit it even if you're using a condom? Answer honestly. Next question. "When you hit it raw do you have a conversation about sex health? Like STIs and HIV tests?" I sent this message out to 18 of my male friends.
The results? Only two, TWO said that they ask if the girl was on birth control. I can actually vouch for those two guys (djm). The others felt that it was an invasion of a girl's privacy. WTH? No seriously, WTH? This led to me pointing out that you're sticking your penis into her and that's very private and invasive. Even if it's consensual. I asked them to think back on all the women they've had sex with and imagine if they were wearing a condom and it burst and or the times they hit it raw if they would've been prepared to become a father? I also asked them if they felt that all those women would've made great mothers? Would they have worked well co parenting? The general response to that was: "Oh sh*t I didn't think of it that way." "Hell no!" "Damn Shy that's deep." Two responses I found interesting were: 1. 'I only hit it raw with women I think would be great mothers because I'm very much ready to have children. This is why I'm after you so much.' LOL! While flattering, my eggs are nicely protected until the Universe sends me my future husband who has nice melt in your mouth chocolate-ly skin and long neat locs and tall. Yes Lord! Sorry, I digress, I digress. Anyway the second interesting response was: "well to be honest the bc [birth control] is more when in high school." Meaning that's the time to be more concerned if a girl is on birth control. I asked him to explain further. He said, " 30+ adult I think you should know if you want a kid or not."
As for the answers to the second question, that wasn't too bad. All answered that they do. I followed up with when do they ask and some admitted that they don't get around to it quickly because they are using a condom. Ummm...okay?
To me you should know fully what you're getting into and it is't an invasive question. It's a smart question and you receive several brownie points in my book for asking. As my professor said double protection equals 100% protection against pregnancy.' I also personally think that a guy should take it a step further and know whomever he's sleeping with on a regular, menstrual cycle. There's an app for that (i.e My Days). It'll tell you her highest fertility days and if you're not ready for a child then you can survive those three, four days guys. Become more familiar with your hands if needs be. You'll survive. You'll live. Have some self control. Women, don't go tempting the man either if neither of you are ready. Have some self control too (*coughs*).
One of my friends asked, if I volunteer the information. The convo went like this:
Him: Ok so if he doesn't ask are you gonna stop him or proceed to have sex?
Me: NOPE! Because I know I'M good. But in my head I'm like DUDE! Let's be clear. I ask about HIV and STI with condoms. But I don't volunteer because you should ask. And I'm always the one to ask.
Him: Oh ok
Me: So ready to hit it and know nothing about me. Says a lot in my book.
Him: Makes sense. But it doesn't make sense to me why you let him continue.
Me: Dude! I wanna get mine.
Him: Ha ha
Me: Why would I not have sex with a guy if he doesn't ask if I know I'm good? Moral of the story is don't assume the girl is good. Along with STI, ask. It's still a question to add to the list. It's not a personal question. You going in her pu**y. THAT's personal. Not if she's on birth control.
Him: If he tries to have sex with you with no condom what do you do?
Me: Go in my draw for one. Lol.
Anyway, he kept asking why would I continue with the sex if a guy doesn't ask. I felt like he was trying to make me see something.
So I slept on it. The following morning I messaged him and wrote: "Slept on it. I think I mayyyyyy just change some things. Gotta think about it. I may have a category in my head where until you ask these questions then we're not having sex. Because I do consider you sexually irresponsible for not asking. I'm still mulling it over...Still working it out in my head. You kept asking if I'll still have sex with the guy and I kept responding I wouldn't stop him. But I think I should."
Anyhoo, I think this is something for both genders to think about. I think both parties should be responsible and have this conversation. Both parties should educate themselves even if it's a F*ck thing. Plenty of information on the web.
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