Get the Edge Day 3: Power of Relationships Part I
Good day folks! How are you guys? Hope things are well!
This topic took a few days to get through and I still haven’t listened to part two of it yet. Today Tony spoke about relationships. This was the most powerful topic to me thus far. So powerful that I listened to it twice and have 12 pages worth of notes! I even cried a few times. Yep, a few times. It was just so powerful! I was transported back to my relationships with my exes, I reviewed my current relationship with my friends and I was forced to review my relationship with myself and let me tell you…It was so overwhelming that I started to cry. Shucks, even writing about it now have me a little teary eyed. You have got to get this cd and listen to it yourself. There’s no way I can give what was said justice here. Not to mention he runs through the different scenarios based on where you may be in a relationship. I’m single so I paid close attention to what he had to say about that category. You may not be single and I guarantee that you will want to hear what he has to say. He said that if you are in a relationship you either want more from it, want out of it or are immobilized. Good stuff! Get his cd. Today I’m going to focus on where I am which is: I want a relationship but don’t have one; fear being hurt.
Tony started off by saying that there are two universal laws of life: anything that doesn’t grow will die and anything that fails to contribute will be eradicated. These two laws are true for everything including relationships. He said we have to identify the gap between where we are and where we want to be. Well, as I mentioned I fall into the not in a relationship category, where I want one but don’t have one. He said that I have mixed emotions, in that I want one because it means love, connection and intimacy but on the other hand I don’t want one because I don’t have the time, don’t have the energy, I know that there’ll be fights and frustrations, I don’t want to feel like a failure and I don’t want to get hurt. Well he said buck up Shy because you can’t have a rainbow without first having a storm. We should learn to enjoy the storm as much as the rainbow. He then asked me to visualize my ideal relationship. What would it look like? What would we talk about, laugh about, share, and learn together? How would we make love, surprise, and contribute to each other? What magic times will we share? He spoke about the power in sharing. He said that “the quality of a relationship is in direct proportion to the amount of yourself you’re willing to share with someone.” This had me thinking and I started reviewing my relationships. I’ve had 4 long term relationships. All totaling 12yrs and they were all back to back, three months tops in between (you see why I’m enjoying being single). My first relationship lasted for 2 years, the second for 3years, the third for 4 years and the last one lasted for 3 years. I’m a very open person. There’s very little I don’t share. I grew up hearing my mom saying not to tell a man everything and I agree and so I don’t share everything but there’s very little that isn’t shared. It’s not in most men’s nature to share things but oh gosh! When I thought about the four guys I was with all of them were pretty closed lipped. Then I think of two close male friends I have and I know a good deal about them than I knew of these men I was in a relationship with. That didn’t sit well with me.
Next he spoke about the secret to handling upsets. Tony said that when we associate pain to a relationship we’re responding to the past. We need to remember that these are independent events and that “this is not that.” Instead ask, what else could this mean? Most of the time, it’s not about you. Ok so I have a story for you. Please note that I'm not proud of this in any way. I got into a physical fight with this guy last year. I kept telling him no, no, no, no, NO and he would NOT leave me alone. One morning, he text message me some bull and once again I said NO, please leave me alone, please lose my number, please stop talking to me. Then he responded with some egotistical crap, I can’t remember what he said but it was something to the effect that I do want him and that I can’t say no to him or some such crap. YIKES! It was a WRAP! Long story short, I got into a physical fight with this guy. It wasn’t pretty. I had him on the wall, I was stomping him on the floor, I kneed him a couple times, it wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t hurt. He said that he was holding his strength back. Doesn’t matter, I was seeing total BLACK. Why? I was responding to an old pain. I was responding to being sexually molested for four years and my no’s being ignored. So much that I didn’t even waste my breath. I went with the flow and learned to pretend to enjoy it so it could end quicker. I was also responding to the pain of being at the gas station on Eastern Parkway and Bedford where Kenny (3rd bf) was dragging me by my braids and slammed me into the office walls and being stomped on defenseless on the floor while his coworker stood there and watched and did nothing. All of that had me blacked out and all my rage and anger spilled right into this guy. This was all brought on by me saying no and him not accepting that no means no! Ya, Tony you’re right, “this is not that.”
Tony says we should go to a relationship to give, not to get. When we start to measure how much one gives then it’s a sure way to kill a relationship. We should keep our rules to a minimum; too many rules can terminate a relationship. We should help our partner meet his or her needs and understand the importance of awareness and acceptance. Meaning that we should be aware that all human beings share the same two primary fears: that they are not enough and that they won’t be loved. These primary fears are triggered any time when one feels like they aren’t being seen as significant enough or fear the loss of love. He used a great analogy: ‘humans have something unique in their make-up, that is, it’s the way in which we are raised. In the animal kingdom most animals aren’t dependent on another animal wither it be a mom, brother, or sister for a long period of time. For a bird it’s a couple of days. Snakes and turtles are pretty much dropped off and have to fend for themselves. However, humans go through a long period of time in which survival resolves around total dependency upon another human being putting your needs ahead of their own.’ He says if a baby is left alone it will die from failure to thrive syndrome. Essentially what he’s saying is that we all need to be stroked. We all need to be loved. We all need our six human needs met.
So how do we create an extraordinary relationship? Well, we have to learn to love ourselves first. We can’t expect to give love if we don’t have it for ourselves. This is where I gave Tony a side way look. Now all my close friends that know me knows that I give nothing but love. It doesn’t matter if it’s to a boyfriend (they tend to get the most love), a friend with benefit or my friends, I give nothing but love. Problem is, I tend to not get it back. I was told last year that my heart chakra needs work because I’m giving so much love and I’m not getting anything back. This did not sit well with me AT ALL because I didn’t even have a boyfriend. He was a friend with benefit. Even though I was maintaining a wall so that things don’t turn into a relationship I was still doing what I do best; I was nurturing; I was giving giving giving and not getting anything in returned. Gina advised that I start loving myself more to replenish my heart chakra. I mustn’t have done a good job because February of this year I was told by someone else that did a chakra scan of me that my heart chakra needs work. Do you know how disturbing it is to hear that? Here I am, not in love with the person, don’t love the person, but have love for them and yet still I was giving a lot of myself to this person but not getting anything back. This was also true for ¾ of my relationships. Terrible statistics. Just terrible. Are you beginning to see why this tape had me crying?
Tony, suggests that for two minutes for seven days that we should stand in front of a mirror and repeat, “I love you (your name), I love you (your name) and tell yourself the specific reasons why you love yourself. Be sure to look yourself in the eye and tell yourself this. For me this will be difficult. One, because I tend to avoid looking at myself in the mirror and two I can ask my friends to list good qualities about me and they’ll shoot back quick replies and I’ll say, oh yeah, that’s true. Ask me to come up with a list of my own and the page will be blank. Clearly a disconnect. *Note to self: ask doc about this at next appointment* Tony also wants me to come up with a game plan of what I’m going to do to love myself more; If I’m going to cherish myself, let myself know how much I love myself what would that action plan be?
The last thing he spoke about was the importance of selection. There are three questions we should ask ourselves before entering a relationship and we should think of it as if we are screening the person for a job. A little unconventional but I’m certainly going to do it.
1. Can they do the job? Well if you’re asking yourself this question then it means that the person is already a prospect.
2. Will they do the job? Three years from now, ten years from now, in other words will it last.
a. Does the job meet personal goals?
b. Does the job reinforce their nature? Meaning if you’re the type of person that never acknowledges someone and thinks that everyone knows that then why do I have to tell you? Meanwhile the partner craves acknowledgement. He/she needs to be told how much they are loved; they need to be shown love all the time and you’re not that type of person then that’s going to cause problems. You can try to get yourself to be that person but your nature says as soon as the pressure is off and the other person is satisfied you’re going to go back to your true self. Your partner won’t be reinforced in the relationship. Then what happens? Someone comes along and strokes them, tells them how amazing and awesome they are and bye bye, they exit stage left. This is not to say that two people with complete different natures won’t last. They just won’t last for long. No sustainability. The intimacy will be lost.
Again I was forced to recall my relationships and it was the same issue. I crave acknowledgement. All four of my exes were not into acknowledgement. I learned that, it wasn’t that I wasn’t looking smoking hot, or that they didn’t notice I bought new curtains, or that I did something to my hair (this may take a couple days for them to notice..unless I cut it. They notice it as soon as I walk in. *roll eyes* Typical male), they just weren’t the type to acknowledge it. Well darn it I need that! I need to hear, baby you look good. I need to hear baby I like what you did to the bathroom. Baby I really appreciate what you did for me today. Baby did I mention how hot you look? It also had me looking into my non sexual relationships and I realize that the acknowledgement that I seek from two of my friends I won’t ever get because it’s just not their nature to do so.
3. Right team fit.
a. What you value?
Tony says that we must be similar or complimentary. Know wither or not your relationship or relatedness is based on the moment or if it will have a lasting impact. This is based on beliefs, values and goals.
Pretty deep stuff huh? Mind you I didn’t cover all the topics he mentioned. I strongly recommend you get this cd. I knew there will be drastic differences in my next relationship but after listening to this the changes will be even greater. I learned so much about my past and present relationships and even about myself. Some didn’t sit well with me, actually nothing sat well with me and that’s good. I’m disturbed so a change will come.
Toodles my loves! Til next time.