Last night was the full moon and I was so FURIOUS that I couldn’t even do my ritual. I did end up talking to Marshall on the phone and got some of my anger out and then I was drained and fell asleep. I woke with a renewed sense of trust and faith and a nice text message from him and I said, well the moon is still out let me still do my ritual. I promise I will write about the full moon as I did the new moon. As I sat down and began my ritual, one of the first steps is to make a list of people you want to forgive, your name being the first on the list. Someone pinched me and told me something over the weekend of what my sister said and I was so mad about it. So very MAD! I hate when people lie and I HATE when people lie on me. For those of you who don’t know, I don’t have a loving relationship with my sister. I wrote her a letter last November telling her basically that I shouldn’t exist to her because she doesn’t to me. I erased her number and I spoke to her briefly (on her son’s phone) in February because I had her son with me and trust me that wasn’t a good conversation either. Anyway during the ritual if you find it hard to forgive someone you should write the person a letter and let them HAVE IT! Just let it RIP and then shred it or burn or whatever. I sat down to write such a letter. I decided to share it with you.
I was so upset with you yesterday. So very upset! But I’ve slept it off and I won’t go IN on you. I just wanted to say I love you. I didn’t know I did until just now. I love you. I love that despite how crazy and dysfunctional our family is, no one can say anything bad about any of us in front of you. I love your business mind. I love your drive even though it’s fueled with the wrong type of gas. I love your intelligence! I love that you would do anything for your children. Remember when you ran away from home but you still would visit me at school? I love that! Remember when they had that Santa Claus thing at my school and we were so poor we could only afford a crayon book and barely afforded the crayons and the boy’s mother came up to the school and was upset because she spent so much money on my gift…you remember how you traced her AND the teacher off? You defended me. You defended our family’s finances. I love that! They never had that Santa thing ever again at school. Remember when you grabbed a machete and fought a girl AND a guy at the same time and you only came out of it with a scar on your arm? Yo you gansta! I LOVE THAT! From that I learned not to take crap from NO ONE! Remember when I ran and told you that the guy across the street kissed me and you went and told mommy and she stormed across the street to his house? I was 5/6 yrs old and he was 16. THANK YOU for doing that! I love you! Remember how you cried last year when I told you, you don’t love me and I told you to stop with the crocodile tears? I’m sorry. I guess you do love me. Nikky, you have made me so very very angry, in so many ways, and so many times and I just wish that you would just listen to your little sister more. The self-pain that you are inflicting on yourself is not only hurting you it’s hurting those around you too. This was why I had to separate myself from you last year. But blah, I still love you. I didn’t realize I love you until I sat down today and began writing. I’m sure I knew I had love for you or maybe not but I didn’t realized I really love you. My heart is all fuzzy and warm and I’m all smiles. I didn’t even realize I had that much memories of you because you weren’t around much. But even though you weren’t around, you were around. :-) Thank you and I love you. I don’t love your dutty ways but I do love you.
So clearly that wasn't a vile letter. I don’t know what got into me this morning but I just didn’t have the energy to do it. I had started working on forgiving her last month so maybe that had something to do with it? I don’t know. I decided to share this letter because we aught to use love to dispense evil. This is what the Bible teaches us right? But boy is it HARD! It’s hardest for me M-F 9-5p. Just so HARD! But hey a day at a time. A step at a time. No way I could've written this yesterday in my anger. No way! I did start working on forgiving her and I’m the type of person now who don't hold things in my heart. I’ve learned the power of forgiveness so I like to release and let go. Anyway loves, hope you have a great day! I see the sun rising and I didn’t finish the ritual because I stopped to share with you. Blah, doesn’t matter I’m going to finish it anyway. I like how I feel after the ritual. Later loves.