• Shy Davis

Men, Women, Dating, Respect and Self Love

Last night I was eating the fruits of my labor (literally…I made sangria and was eating the well soaked fruits from it) when BJD called right before the first tear of frustration rolled down my eyes. I was frustrated! Frustrated beyond repair at that moment. What I really needed was to get it all out. I did call a friend but it looked like he was sleeping and I just felt it proper to speak to a guy that’s dear to me because I didn’t want the conversation to turn into a male bashing session. However, BJD is such an objective person that I knew she would understand my plight and give me positive feedback, besides the well-known: yeah girl they crazy etc comments. All I wanted to do last night was take over the world's, communication system like V did in the movie V for Vendetta and in an animalistic shriek, scream: MEN PLEASE GET IT TOGETHER! And then just sign off. Before I tell you why I wanted to scream my head off and lose my voice, let me just say that what I’m about to write is based on what I’ve been observing and what I’ve experienced and experiencing. I’ve actually wanted to write about this from back in December but punked out because I didn’t want it to come off as a male bashing session. How can I write about something like this without it being offensive to my male readers? Ladies I have a couple bones to pick with you too, but I’ll get to you later. Well I woke up this morning with some nice cajones (<<look it up if you’re not sure what it means) and decided that this shouldn’t be thought of as a bashing but to be considered as a friend lovingly sitting down with you and saying: dude and dudedets you know I love you right and because I love you and care deeply about you, is why I’m going to say to you that you should GET IT TOGETHER! Now, everyone, men and women, set your egos aside, read and imagine me sitting in a lotus position across from you on the couch, looking at you sincerely. Please know that this is coming from a very loving heart. It’s approaching two years since I’ve been single and the first year I was like a kid on spring break! A yearlong spring break. It was bloody awesome! Then this past summer rolled around and the lonely bug started massaging my buttocks, then pinching it, then biting it and I thought to myself maybe I should start dating but cringed whenever I thought about it. Ughhh dating! Maybe I should just look for companionship? Anyway, I decided after twelve years of relationships with four boyfriends and seven years and counting of therapy that it’s in my best interest to enforce the 90 day rule whenever I decide to date again. Now I take dating as an interview (for a lack of a better word) process. To me dating and hanging out are two very different things. If a man tells me he likes me and wants us to go on a date then I make sure I ask him to clarify and if he’s unsure then I ask if he wants to date me because something within him is reaching out to me that says ‘get to know her, she’s a potential mate!’ or is it that you want us to hang out meaning that we chill and shoot the breeze from time to time? You see, clarification is needed because dating Shaniquea and hanging out Shaniquea are two different people. Nope, I don’t send out a representative (more on that later) but there are some guidelines, ie, the 90 day rule that’s enforced. Blessed Savior yes, I said it…the dreaded 90 day rule. The 90 day rule is simple: no sex for 90 days while in the dating phase. I first heard about this, actually from BJD but not in as much words. She was not giving up the chocolate cookies and would advise me to do the same. At the time, holding out too long seemed like a crime. Then my therapist told me that I should practice the 90 day rule and then he explained to me what it is. Back then I thought he needed a therapist. You can’t be serious. You cannot be telling me, that I, Shaniquea Davis should wait ninety days. That’s three months! That’s 777,600 seconds. Front desk please refund my money because the man has gone mad. *sigh* *deep, deep sigh* My mom used to say a Caribbean parable to me. It goes like this: baby pig asked mama pig why her nose so long. Mama pig said come you coming child, come you coming. Yep, my loves, at the time in my therapist office I was baby pig. This 90 day rule has now proved to be a necessity. Did you folks read that Steve Harvey book, Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady? Or did you watch the movie to it? Good stuff. In all honesty it took me a very long time to muster up the courage to read it because I wasn’t ready to face what I’ve been doing wrong. Eventually I changed my neuro-association with it and said I’m going to take this as a $30 in depth therapy session with Mr. Harvey himself. Sweet deal right? Once I opened those pages those years ago I realized that what my therapist was saying was more elaborated on. According to the book, men sends out a representative. A better version of themselves when they’re dating. They want to be more appealing to the woman they’re out with. So basically they tell elaborated truths aka straight up LIES! Let me tell you, when I read this I was in a relationship with Kenny and at that point it was too late but I did recall how he told me he was a ‘manager’ at his job. I have a few choice words I can’t repeat here after I found out the truth. Let’s just say that he lied about being a manager. Being the only person on shift does not make you a manager. Also, just because you help pay rent at your mother’s residence does not mean your mom lives withyou, it means that you live with your mom. If you found the apartment and was living there and then mom dukes moved in then and only then are you allowed to say that your mom, grandmother or whomever lives withyou. That’s all I’m saying. So, that’s a tip of an example. I couldn’t grasp the representative stuff because Idon’t do it. What you see is what you get. I’m an open book. Whatever questions asked will not be dolled up. It will be answered honestly. I’m an all natural girl so I won’t put on anything made from China just to meet you or go on a couple dates with you only later, for you to run into me doing groceries and have to do a double take because I look nothing like the person you’ve been dating. Nope, that’s not me. When you see me, its makeup free and the only nail polish I have on will be on my toes. I’m not getting on folks who love their makeup, I’m just saying it’s not incorporated in my daily routine. My memory is shot so I tend not to lie. When you lie you have to remember the lie you told and I just don’t have enough gigabytes of space in my memory bank to remember a lie. So I practice not lying. Not saying I don’t, but when I do it’s for a good ‘cause’ and it’s never when I’m dating someone or hanging out with someone. The fact that you have to send a representative out is just so astounding to me. No seriously it is! Why, why lie ladies and gents? Do you think you won’t be eventually found out? OF COURSE YOU will…but by then we’re already in the relationship aren’t we? Wishing that we had waited a little bit longer. Men don’t think that this isn’t beneficial for you. I’m sure this has happned to you or someone you know. You meet a girl and you jump right in and had you waited and gotten to know her you would’ve found out that home girl is cray cray and WILL slash your tires or take you to court or things of that nature. Anyway, so at the time of reading the book, there was nothing I could do and I said you know what I’m going to try the 90 day rule for my next relationship *cough cough* yeahh that didn’t happen. Anyway, every time I resurface from a relationship I get scared. This is the most I’ve been scared and I think that’s because I’ve been working on myself for the past seven years and learned my self-worth and after years of being in relationships, I know what I want and know what I won’t put up with and I know a whole lot more that I can write a book. The point is, I’ve learned and the most important thing is I’ve started to applyeverything. Now that I’ve started to apply all that I’ve learned, I’ve been hitting construction zones, actually more like road blocks, U-turns, do not pass go, do not collect $200, please return to sender type things. Let me give you some examples. 1. I’m 28 years old so I know that our form of communication has changed drastically. It’s all about texting or chatting on Facebook. No one knows how to pick up the phone and call and have a con-ver-sation anymore. Looky here looky here! Just because we are in such modern times, does not mean that you should neglect how to dial someone’s number and speak to them. I’m not saying texting is not allowed. You can hit me up and say good morning and during the day say hi. DO NOT text me and ask what my favorite color is, how many brothers and sisters I have, what I do for a living, what’s my hobby, where are my favorite hangout spots etc. Those types of questions are for a phone conversation. Pick up the phone and CALL me and let’s talk. Let me hear your voice. Let me see if you know how to carryon a conversation. This same want should be the same for you. How do you know if I’m intelligent with one word or two word answers via text? How is it a proper conversation when you text me at 10:01am and I respond at 10:02, with a follow up question and you don’t respond until 2pm? How? No seriously, explain it to me. Maybe you are busy. Understandable! All the more reason for us to set a time to talk on the phone. Let’s find time for each other. So if you’re pursuing me that’s something that’s unacceptable. How can I possibly take you seriously when all we do is text and if I call, you running off the phone or not answering? Red flag. 2. I was heading to work one Saturday putting in the OT (that’s withOUT pay). I was so tired that I dozed off on the train. Before I dozed off I noticed this guy staring at me. I paid him no mind because I was calculating how much minutes I could get of sleep. He was standing and I was sitting. After a few minutes of blissful sleep, I partially opened my eyes to see how far I reached and then I heard: You tired right? A conversation started, and well long story short he sparked my interest and I granted his request of giving him my number. We spoke a few times, brownie points for him. He expressed how much he wants me to be his girl and each time he said it I told him to reign it in. We haven’t even seen each since we met. I began getting turned off. Every so often he would hit me up and I KNOW he was working up the courage to ask me out but he could never come out and say it. Finally one day he did. Well I told him I’ll have to check my calendar. And I did. Apparently I was taking too long to respond and I received a text asking if I’m seriously checking my calendar, to which I responded, yes! He was appalled. Well turns out I wasn’t available until another few weeks. I think it was five weeks and he was not happy. He was like I was hoping we would do something this Friday. *sigh* This folks is no Bueno. If you want to date me DO NOT call me Wednesday and expect a date the same week Friday. Even when I have absolutely nothing to do my answer will be no. It’s the principle of the matter. Why such short notice? I’m not at your beck and call. I’m not readily available for you. Have some respect and ask when is a good time for me. After all you are asking me out. Weeks later, when I was available we went out on a date. It was good. I enjoyed myself. However prior to the date several things happened. I won’t go into the nitty gritty of it but know that a yellow flag was waving in my head. I still went through with the date and like I said, I enjoyed myself. Summer came and I had more free time. I was doing my hair when I received a text asking me to come over and hang out. I stared at the whatsapp message and disregarded it. He couldn’t possibly mean today right? I KNOW I expressed my displeasure of last minute plans. This is not to say I’m not spontaneous. I’m talking about the early dating stage where foundations need to be set. I guess he caught himself and added an apology for asking so last minute but it turns out that he doesn’t have to go in to work until much later and he knew that I was off that day and would like to know if I could come by. *sigh* You want me to come to your house? Really? I responded apology accepted, however, I’m busy and have a lot planned and I’m unsure if I can commit to that. Also, WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS? His reply was, I just want to hang. Well, what is your definition of hanging? We can play some cards, watch a movie, and have a couple drinks. I told him I won’t be drinking (no way am I going to a man’s house for the first time and drinking liquor. No way!). I then asked what else? He said that is all. Folks, I’m not a chupidity (it means I’m not a stupid person), so I told him what my intentions were AND what my expectations were. I agreed with his intentions but I also expect for him to respect me and know that if he’s thinking about sex that it’s not going to happen. Also, if he’s thinking about trying to go pass first base, know that it’s not going to happen. He AGREED. Again I’m not chupid, so I mentally prepared myself for nonsense just in case I decided to go, but deep down hoping that he would respect my wishes. I then asked what’s the latest time I could get back to him with an answer. He gave me a time and thirty minutes prior to the deadline I replied that I really couldn’t make it. Honestly folks I couldn’t because I was still doing my hair. Well, after I finished my hair I made a call and found out that I had to run to my school immediately because their hours changed to a summer schedule. So I hopped in the car and made my way down there as fast and safely as I could. After I was finished I said you know what, I’m already on the road, why don’t I ask him if it’s still okay to pass by. I first apologized and then asked. He said sure. Long story short he tried to go pass first base. I told him to stop. He tried again, I gave him a look and a warning. Unperturbed he tried a third time and that’s when I decided it was time for me to take my leave. Also, I wanted to get home to finish what I was doing before I had to dash to school. Just as I reached home I received a very long text that basically said that he was very upset that I left so abruptly. That’s when all types of unlady like words started flashing through my head. He CANNOT be serious. I kindly reminded him of the fact that he didn’t understand the word ‘no’ and that he’s very lucky I didn’t slap the sh*t outta him! We went back and forth for a couple of times, him not understanding or maybe accepting that he was in the wrong. Then I caught on that he was loving the back and forth and although he was loving it he still wasn’t grasping it. So for my sanity I stopped responding. Dating is SCARY. 3. After that I cooled my heels. A few guys popped up but it was evident all they wanted was to get a taste of ‘Ever Bless.’ Yes that’s the name of my vajayjay. Someone gave her that name and it suits her so I’ve kept it. It actually comes from a song. You can listen to it here, note that the lyrics are very explicit listen at your own risk: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hxzx29M67S4. Anyway, I started to get turned off by this. Where is the control? Can we have a conversation? Can we go out? Can we chill? Can we get to know each other a little bit? Why is it that our FIRST conversation involves sex? So what’s your favorite sex position? Do you like it raw? Excuuuuuuuuse me sir? Please lose my number IMMEDIATELY. How am to take you seriously? How would YOU take ME seriously if I indulge this sort of behavior? Let me pause here for a little bit. One of the reasons people love sharing things with me is because I’m very understanding and relatable. I’ve experienced almost everything and if I haven’t empathy is on a rampage through my veins. So I got you! I’m in no way expressing that sleeping with someone on the first date is wrong. I’ve done it. Did it lead to a relationship? Nope and that’s the point. I am not here to pass judgments because best believe my house is made from sand. Like I’ve said, I’ve done almost all of it. However, don’t think you are going to date the new and improved Shaniquea and bring any sex talk into the first conversation. That immediately tells me who you are and what you are after and unfortunately the application for FBs (F buddies) are closed. Again, the point of this entire blog is to address some of the craziness I know is going on and to speak from my own experiences. Now, speaking of FBs it’s 2014 and if you have a problem with what I’m saying then keep it moving. I’m going to keep it full hundred with you. A short definition of a FB is someone that satisfies a scratch. That’s it. I have two strict rules for my FBs. The main one is, don’t call me. I’ll call you. This has been my rule for many years. The other one is: the only conversations we are to have should only consist of how soon you can get to me or I to you. That’s it! Once you can agree and abide by those rules then we good. Clearly I’m not looking for a relationship with these individuals. We are men and women and have needs and sometimes you need a real good scratch. Feel me? Back to our scheduled programming. I mentioned that I’ve been turned off by men and I’m going to let you in on my sex life a bit, so that you can understand, just how much men’s approach and attitudes have disgusted me. In October of last year I had sex 16 days for the month. Yep I keep a record. It’s an app called My Days and it’s free. Try it. Men, you should download it too. You can keep track of when your significant other may be out of commission for a few days. In November it was 12 days. In December it was 4 days. In January it was TWICE! TWICE! It is now 26 days into February and the grand total for this month is a lovely round 0! I can guarantee that for the remainder of the month it will stay that way. Turned OFF! I tell you. I remember talking to Nikolle and saying to her that I think I’m going to just have sex once a month because I know how I am and then realized to whom I was speaking to (she will hold me accountable) and quickly changed it to two times. To which she responded that there will be no roll overs. Meaning that if I have sex once in a month that doesn’t mean that I can have sex three times the next month. I was DYING when she said that. LMAO. Shucks, I remember talking to a guy about a flower idea I had for a friend. He liked it and I told him if he gets laid for it I should be paid royalites. His response was: get laid? A chick aint getting flowers from me till after I sample it. OUCH! It’s rough out there. So I’ve reached the point that I’m just tired of it folks, just tired *deep sigh, face in hands.* Meaningless sex has also taken its toll. Ever Bless is out of commission. I’m not saying that I’m never having sex again, what I’m saying is I’ll have sex when I know I won’t feel shitty after. When I know I won’t say to myself, Shaniquea you know darn well that, that was meaningless. So, I’ve been reacquainted with my good portable friend Adam who is 8.5inches tall and 4 inches wide, and resides in my top draw. As a bonus if I press a button he vibrates. Two minutes and I’m good. No conversations to be had, I don’t have to offer him water and I won’t feel empty inside after. I’m being completely raw and open with you folks here. Another reason for me being turned off is that, with the help of my therapist, I’ve realized that I’ve started reliving my childhood trauma. I had a couple FWBs (friend with benefits) and oh gosh they really like me but hey they aren’t what I’m looking for in a boyfriend. So I started to realize that with one of them, every time we are around each other we are always having sex. No, I don’t want to hear that I have sex appeal, that I’m irresistible, and that you just can’t control yourself. NO! Learn some bloody self-control! This goes for myself too. I needed to set an example. I too can’t be jumping his bones when I see him. How do I feel after? Empty. When I sat down and thought about it I was able to trace it back to my last boyfriend. Yes he was my boyfriend and yes it was the healthiest relationship I’ve had to date but it had its flaws. One of it was whenever he would come by he would always want sex and it irked my nerves. Then I had this feeling that I had a duty to fulfill as a girlfriend to satisfy my man. Needless to say with the help of therapy I no longer feel that way. If I don’t want it, I’m not going to pretend I do. If you have a problem with it, I have the strength now to point you to the nearest exit. The thing I’ve realized is that I have to have respect for myself before anyone else can have it towards me. I have to set standards and enforce those standards. This isn’t an it’s my way or the high way type thing. I pray that my men are doing the same thing. Set standards and enforce them! Don’t back down but do know when to compromise. So I went to my bestest therapist in the world and told him how much I’m feeling like meat and that I’ve traced its beginnings to my last boyfriend. Well he took it back even further. He reminded me that my molester had his way with me for four years anytime he wanted to. Which is absolutely correct. As long as his wife or my mom wasn’t home I was up for grabs, literally. That meant six days straight sometimes. That even means while I’m menstruating. I had no break! I felt the tears started to well up in my eyes as I remembered those days. I then asked the doc, well how do I fix this? He said simply: stop reliving the trauma. Don’t you just love when people tell you a simple answer but it’s never as simple as they say it is? In this case it really was that simple to me. I don’t like feeling like meat + men’s approach and attitude towards the proper etiquette of reaching out to someone they want to date is atrocious so it has turned me off + I’ve realized that I’m reliving my trauma with my FWBs. Nah nah nah we stopping this sh*t right now! I rather hit up a FB. You may question, well isn’t that meaningless? Let me know the level of how much I want Ever Bless to be scratched. If I know it will be satisfactory with no regrets then I will be dialing a number. Other than that, it’s me and Adam. So to go back to my beginning paragraph, I was annoyed by a text I received from someone who wanted to date me but was going about it the wrong way and I just wanted to scream. Eight pages and I haven’t addressed my women. I really only have one thing to say to you. You ready for it? *clears throat* *stares into your eyes* A man will only treat you based on how you ALLOWyourself to be treated. *BOOM* Let me repeat myself. A-man-will-only-treat-you-based-on-how-you-ALLOW- yourself-to-be treated. That means if he verbally, emotionally or physically abuses you and you do nothing about it, then he will continue to do so. If he pops up to your place unannounced and you’ve expressed your displeasure and don’t stand firm, then he will continue to do it. I was talking to a male friend one day about the nonsense I’ve been encountering and he said ‘Shy, Imma be honest. Women cause this on themselves. Guys will hate me for saying this, but if you don’t say something and be firm about it, then we will continue to do it. It’s just how we are.’ He’s absolutely right. It reminded me of when my therapist told me that when we say no to men, what they hear is try harder. Therefore, you have to stand your ground and be FIRM! We run the world the WORLD damnit! *cue Beyonce’s ‘Run the World (Girls) song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBmMU_iwe6U * “My persuasion can build a nation. Endless power, with our love we can devour. You’ll do anything for me.” Go back in history, revisit Shakespeare. Shoot pick up any book and 9/10 times it involves a man tripping over a woman. The genre of the book doesn’t matter either. My ladies: GET IT TOGETHER! Show these men how much you respect yourself and that you will not tolerate said behavior. It’s like when people say that you can’t expect someone to love you if you don’t first love yourself. Learn to love yourself. Learn to respect yourself. Learn when to fight that fear of being alone and sing *cue Ray Charles’ “Hit the Road Jack” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyVuYAHiZb8 * “I guess if you say so, then I’ll have to pack my things and go.” THAT’S RIGHT! You heard Mr. Charles. If WE say SO then you gotta pack your things and go. Say it and ENFORCE IT! I’m far from perfect. I’m a W.I.P (Work In Progress). That, I realize is the difference with me and most people. If a friend or my therapist says something to me and it’s for my own good, I start to work on myself. I’m not saying it’s always been easy for me, but once I make the decision that this is in fact good for me then I set the wheels in motion. I don’t sit there and repeat a pattern because I already know how that story will end. I work on starting a new brighter chapter and learn from my previous patterns. So my ladies, let’s wear the priceless crown that we own. Let’s respect ourselves more. Let’s love ourselves more. Because hunny chile, if we don’t, then we will forever be crying how men treat us this way and that way when the truth of the matter is we have been ALLOWING IT! Mull over that! Many Blessings, and much LOVE! *salutes*

Shy Davis

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