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What do you do when confronted with your Past in the Present?

September 18, 2015

What do you do when faced with the past in the present?

I'm going to share with you beautiful people something that very little people knows about.  Three to be exact.  It's not something I speak about but it's time.  I'm sharing it with you so that you may learn from it as well.  Bare with me as I'm currently working through the pain and some things will just make my heart...ache

*Sit back, get comfortable and let me tell you a story* 

The Past:

Five years ago, sometime between the ending of January and early February, I was at work and met a guy that...basically, I fell madly in love with.  Light skin, fit, from the Caribbean, intelligent, soft spoken, patient, generous and kind, just to name a few traits.  Things were just over with Kenny two months prior.  I was free, so time to have a couple men cocktails.  Lol!  I wasn't interested in getting involved with anyone.  Ha!  Life had other plans for me.  We became very close.  He pursued me and I was sooooooooo drawn to his intellect.  We could talk about everything and nothing and he had a good sense of humor so there was a good dosage of laughter and I love to laugh.  We started spending time at his place and we would just lay there and share our dreams and goals with one another.  We would even share our fears.  He would massage my feet and make fresh juices for me.  *smiles tenderly at memory*  Let me tell you, those fresh juices were to die for.  I know now that they were soooo good because lots of love went into them.  We'll be at work and I'll receive messages from him that made me smile and that was his favorite thing for me to do; to smile.  So he would send the message and look across to me as I was reading and had the pleasure of seeing me smile.  

We were intimate with each other and if it was left to me I would get it every bloody day.  I was a complete horn dog!  He laid down the pipes WELL!  However, we both had jobs (two for me) and we both were in school.  Not much time to knock boots on a regular and school was very important to us and so was keeping a roof over our heads.  However, we made time to always communicate.  

This was supposed to just be a sex thing for me.  Call me cold but I don't have conversations with those who are just my F Buddies (FB).  Sorry, that's a lie.  I ask them how soon can they can come over and that's it.  No how's your day and what's going on in your life.  Nada.  For me boundaries has to be in place.  Well, at the time I wasn't familiar with the term 'friend's with benefits (FWB).'   I don't think it was popular back then.  Even if it was, I wouldn't have wanted him to be a FWB.  I wanted him all to myself.  Several times it was at the tip of my tongue to say those three magic words to him.  I would fantasize about us having a relationship and I would daydream about him asking me to take things to another level.  Then my ego would float to my consciousness and burst my bubble.  A guy like him would never love me.  I'm broken.  I'm not completely healed from this last relationship.  Shucks the relationship is over but we still live in the same bloody apartment for petessake!  I'm not smart enough.  I'm not pretty enough, I mean, he's soooo handsome with his high yellow behind.  But he always embraced me.  When I was insecure about my size (mind you I was only 200 flipping pounds then!) he showed me how beautiful I was.  *deep breath*  Every flaw I found about my body he would kiss away.  We would spend hours intertwined with each other after making love (well technically after we showered) and that's what we did.  We made love.  It was not f**king.  It was not sex.  Maybe the first few times were but the moment he forced me to start looking in his eyes during 'doing the grown up (as Alicie loves to call it)' I knew shit got/was real.  With every look, the bricks of my inner walls crumbled.  Never had I looked a guy directly into their eyes during intercourse.   I was raw with emotion and all I could do was bottle it up and chant that it's all an illusion.

Even though I was falling...falling?  Let's try this again (sorry, that was my heart screaming "LIES.COM!").  Even though I was in...much better.  Even though I was in love I was trying my darnest to tell myself this was only a sex thing.  Keep shit separate Shaniquea.  It's only sex Shaniquea.  Shaniquea he's rebound.  Lies, lies, all LIES!

A friend at the time, Ray, and Ms. Royalty knew that I was in love.  I didn't even tell bffs Nattydread and BJD how I was really feeling because then it would become too real.  Why share something that was just sex?  They're used to me just having sex with guys.  I call them in when it's time to reel in one for a relationship.  They knew of him but had no clue about him.  Ray and Ms. Royalty knew what was going on because our circles crossed constantly!  We hung out...a lot and they saw how we looked at each other!  

One day as I was getting ready to leave his apartment he asked me: "what are we?"  Ha!  How many times have I fantasized about this moment?  I knew how much of a weighted question that was, coming from him.  Guys don't usually ask that question.  I saw the intensity of his eyes on me, I felt the weight of the question on my heart and I also sensed some yearning.  Oh, sweet baby Jesus, this is the moment I've been waiting for!  

I maintained eye contact.  Dug for familiar pain that keeps me "cold" and I let that feeling cruise through my veins and arteries and cool my heart and verbally said: 'Nothing.  We're just F buddies.' 

*deep sigh!*

The disappointment on his face crushed me.  He said the words I was dying to here: he wanted us to be more.  I immediately realized the error of my words.  This man, truly loves me.  Flaws and all.  Needless to say things changed between us.  Not that he got mean or anything like that.  More along the lines of seeing each other less, less phone calls, less messages, less sex.  Basically less investment.   I couldn't blame the guy, but even though there were less things happening between us, there was still something there between us.  Like, he still wanted to be in my presence and I his, but I was too embarrassed by my actions.  I would try to avoid him as much as possible.  

Due to funding, a lot of us were laid off, for me it was a blessing in disguise.  One night he called me to talk about my actions and oooo I was mad.  I felt like I was five and being scolded.  I had already had it in my head that he's so much more smarter than I was so it made my blood run cold while he was talking to me.  I also had built up shame, anger, regrets and tons of other things I knew I wouldn't share with him.  I listened.  When I tried to interject he would stop me.  I felt as if I couldn't say anything.  With each thing that he said I was becoming more and more angry.  When he was finished and it was my turn to speak, I had so much to say but instead I said nothing.  Well with him having nothing further to say we ended the call.  I sat there FUMING!  Did he just school me?  Who the hell this sob/mofo thing he is?  I called him BACK!  Oh he's going to get a piece of my mind.  So I called him back and my fire element (I'm more earth) qualities were on FLEEK!  Everything I learned in therapy went out the window.  Every single thing!  I went OFF on him!  I expressed a lot of my frustrations but made no mention of what's truly going on within me.  Why be vulnerable?  Then hung up.  After a few moments, he called me back and applauded my 'spunk.'  He never saw me that way before.  He went on to say how my display of actions moments ago was a 'turn off' and that, that wasn't the proper way to handle things.  I was further embarrassed.  Everything he said was right.  I was so upset and disgusted with myself.  No way could I face this guy again.

So I worked on avoiding him even more.  

One Saturday night Ray and I were heading to a party.  A baby shower I think.  We showed up and not long after we were asked to leave.  LMAOOOOOOO!  That's a whole other story!  No we didn't do anything bad.  Well anyway, we were all dressed up and there were a few of us with no place to go.  Kenny was away for the weekend so I said, party at my place.  We went back to my apartment.  

 As they were finding parking and slowly coming towards the building I would peep out the window to see who were arriving.  I would never forget looking out and seeing a woman in all bright yellow outfit walking along a friend of ours.  Ray and I had a good laugh with that.  The yellow was just so bright in contrast to the dark night.  Next thing I know I spotted him and my heart went to my toes!  What in the world is he doing here?!  I started to panic!  I wanted to HIDE!  Let me tell you if I could teleport I would!  What in the world am I going to do?  At that point I hadn't seen him since my embarrassing moment on the phone.  I didn't have to worry though, my girl Ray had my back!  She went to my door and let all the guests in and when he approached she didn't.  I was hiding behind the door overhearing their exchange and she was just refusing to let him in.  People were starting to notice and the last thing I needed was for anyone to know that there was any type of bad vibes between us.  I like to keep things cordial.  After assuring Ray I will be fine she reluctantly let him in.  I of course avoided him at all costs.  I spent most of my time hiding out in the kitchen.  See, the way my kitchen was set up and based on where he was sitting, he had a bird's eye view of me and he was not ashamed to look constantly, directly at me.  I kept my eyes averted and tried not to show how uber uncomfortable I was.  He would come in the kitchen and I would exit.  We were not in the same space for more than a second.  *eww just got chills remembering my anxiety*

As the time got late people started to file out with whomever their rides were with.  Except for one person.  Ray, God bless her, realized he wasn't leaving and wanted to stay and protect me.  In the years of our friendship she never saw me act this way towards a guy.  She of course knew how deeply I felt and that too was a surprise to her.  She never saw me feel so small and vulnerable like that.  Anything said by him had my sensitivity meter on HIGH.  Why?  Because I loved him deeply.  I'm exceptionally sensitive to people who matters the most to me.  Other people?  Ha!  I didn't give a flying fu...kite.  So,  I was usually the one protecting her and now she was mama hen protecting me.  However, it was late and I didn't want her out so late by herself.

And then it was just us two.

After I closed the door behind Ray I went to the kitchen.  He watched me.  He called me.  I did not answer.  He called me again.  I ignored him.  He called me again and I decided to grow some balls and just go.  I walked the short distance towards him and with each step my heart was heavy with longing to say what was really in my heart.  I wanted to apologize, I wanted to tell him I loved him.  I wanted to tell him I've been acting like a flipping fool because I love him.  I wanted to admit how embarrassed I was.  Most of all I wanted to take back the words I said the last time I was at his apartment.  Instead I said nothing.  He asked me to sit in his lap and that of course wasn't going to happen so I sat on the couch, arms length away from him.  He scooted over towards me until our shoulders touched.  He began speaking.  He wanted to know why I've been avoiding him.  Why have I been so distant.  He wanted me to explain my actions and I couldn't.  I was muted by fear of exposing how I really felt and being rejected wasn't an option.  He went on to share that he wasn't fond of my childish behavior that night and he brought up other things as well.  I sat there and said not a word.  When he realized I wasn't going to say anything, he left.  I told him goodnight but in my heart I told him goodbye.

*deep sigh*  Remembering that moment hurt.  I never spoke about it.  It hurt way too much.  I never felt that type of hurt.  That sort of pain.  It felt as if someone had my heart in their open palm and squeezed their fist tightly!  After closing the door I sat in the couch in a daze.  I eventually made it to the bedroom and I broke completely down.  I called Ray and I cried and cried and cried for hours!  The morning happy sun rays a mockery of my sorrow.  She of course needed some sleep.  When she hung up, I called Ms. Royalty and cried and cried and cried some more.  The sun was already half way through it's working shift and I was still crying.  When there were no more tears I just stared off into the distant while whomever was on the phone said soothing words or nothing at all.  Then Ms. Royalty had to go and I called a male friend and started to cry some more.  I received a new inventory of tears.  So there were two problems with calling him and crying my eyes out.  One, he had no clue that something was going on between me and the guy.  Secondly, apparently he liked me (I had not a clue) and was perturbed to know that all this time I was invested with someone else.  So let's just say my crying spiel was very short with him.  I called back Ray instead and just had her stay on the phone to keep me company.  Eventually she had to go.  By this time, night had fallen.  I was sitting up in bed just staring at nothing.  My mind and body numb.  Then as if someone flipped a switched in my head, I lowered my eyelids to a menacing stare, and pursed my lips with a scowl, and just like the Jews after the Holocaust, vowed: NEVER AGAIN!  I took a stock of my surroundings.  Cleaned up all the soiled tissue papers, changed the sheets on the bed, showered and went to sleep.  I had work the next day.  

I erased his number from my phone and from my memory.  I eradicated him from my heart and mind.  He no longer existed to me.   I never spoke about him again.  When asked about him I was unresponsive or was very aloof, until finally people stopped asking and those near and dear to me knew not to even utter his name.  As luck would have it.  I didn't see him after that night again.  It was truly goodbye.  Folks, all this happened in the space of roughly a month and a half.

*************************************************************************************

Fast forward three years later, I was reading "Tapping the Power Within" by Iyanla  Vanzant.  In the book she talks about forgiveness and details a forgiveness ritual.  I tried it.  Part of the instructions was to list the names of people or situations you would like to forgive, your name being first on the list.  She instructed to not force it.  Whatever name pops up, even if it made no sense, just write it.  Of course, his name popped up and I hadn't thought about him in so long that it was truly a surprise.  I wrote it down and went on with the ritual.  In the book she says not to be surprised to hear from the people that was written down on the list.  Well you know what happened next right?  LOL!  Yep, I heard from him.  I was at work when an unknown number sent me a message on whatsapp.  The message read something along the line of: 'I'm glad to see that you still have that beautiful smile.'  You see, my profile picture was of me.  However, the profile picture associated with the number that sent me the message was not a selfie.  Of course I asked the person to reveal themselves but they wouldn't.  Long story short it was him.  Ain't life crazy?  I had deleted his number but he never erased mines.  All these years.  Anyway we caught up and all that good stuff.  I refused to save his number.  I kept our conversations short but he would reach out to me frequently, to check up on me.  Eventually I conceded and saved the number.

A year later and I was doing a different type of forgiveness ritual and his name came up.  I was surprised by it because at this point we messaged ever so often and in my mind we were good so wth?  I went with it.  Right after I did it he messaged me.  LOL!  He asked what I was up to and I explained that it's a full moon and I just got finished doing a forgiveness ritual.  He asked for details and I explained.  He asked if his name made the list and I was honest and said yes.  My phone rang.  LOL!  We chatted a bit where I shared that I had to forgive myself for what happened between us in the past.  Of course I glossed over it.  No need to get all deep and shit.  He asked questions that made my heart flutter with fear and I quickly changed the subject.  He acknowledged the change of tides and thankfully went along with it.

*************************************************************************************

The Present:

Last week Wednesday I had a friend over and I don't remember what I was sharing with him but as I was speaking, a memory of the guy from the past and I, flashed before me and I felt that pain in my heart and my eyes stung.  I INSTANTLY changed the subject.  What in the world was that?!?? I mentally filed it away to be addressed later.

Tuesday (9/15/15), class was over and I went to the lounge to eat my lunch before heading to work.  I finished my lunch and was heading to work when I pulled out my phone and began writing.  I began writing a letter to him.  I told him how I truly felt (except for the part that I didn't admit I loved him.  Instead I wrote "I really, really, REALLY liked you." Yeah, yeah, still a bit of a punk, I know.  I shared how much I wanted to be with him.  I shared the insecurities I had.  I shared the pain I felt.  I shared how much I cried and that he was the only person that I've ever felt that indescribable heart pain not ache for.  Yes I had relationships before and after him and yes I have cried and yes there has been pain but none like what I had experienced for him.  I shared how I felt.  I started the message in a SMS message.  I ran out of characters so I went into my phone's memo pad and continued writing.  Well it turned out to be 6 screen shot 'pages' long.  I didn't understand why after all these years I was writing it all out to him.  After I wrote it, I sent it to him.  I wanted to erase it but I was so compelled to send it.  By this time I had just arrived at work.  I sent the screen shots to him.  I didn't send it to gain a response, I sent it, well, because I was compelled to.  Anyway, he read it.  I was in the middle of a work email when the phone vibrated.  I checked the notification and saw that it was from him.  Two hours had passed from my initial message.  I opened the message and saw a lengthy response.  I sat at my desk and read and as I read tears ran down my cheeks, met at my chin and dropped in between my bosom to my heart chakra.  It was beautifully and eloquently written.  More importantly it was heartfelt. We never discussed how we truly felt for each other.  Reading how much he loved me was just...overwhelming.

*deep sigh*

Anyway, I shared what I wrote with Ms. Royalty and her sister Nikole.  Their response was 'WOW.'  Ms. Royalty didn't know there was no closure between us.  Nikole knew of him.  I shared it with my bffs and because they knew less, they  were like, 'okayyy.'  It was like ohh so this is what happened?  This is why we never brought his name up.  The missing puzzle finally found.

                                                                    **********

The following day, Wednesday 9/16/15, I received a message from the guy that I'm talking to that I  "really really REALLY like."  Same guy that I was speaking to last Wednesday when I felt that pain. He's a very intelligent guy. I love that we can carry on a conversation for hours.  Folks, we had a conversation for TEN HOURS...STRAIGHT!  TEN!  That's an hour more than when the girls and I pow wow.  He's HILARIOUS!  I LOVE that he makes me laugh.  I love that we can talk about everything and nothing.  Anyway back to the message.  He asked a question and a conversation ensued.  Then he wrote something and the word that he used made me cringe!  Anyway we started to have 'creative differences' as Alicie would call it, via messenger.  You see one of my biggest problem with him and I only have two is that I can't ask a question.  Apparently my questions lead to answers he's not ready to share and that shit irks my core.  It burn my biscuits day in and day out.  Yet, when he asks me questions, I don't shutdown or shut him out.  I'm quite aware, that this has been my choice.  I have chosen to do this because I want to show him that I'm open and receptive with the hopes that he'll toss me a bone.  Sometimes he does and boy am I in for a treat when he does.  I pick that sucker up and lick it and savory it.  You see, he has his own hurt that hasn't been healed completely and I've been single for three years, and mostly, if not completely healed of past committed bf/gf relationships.  

I feel that things are exceptionally one sided between us and it's almost like he's indirectly teaching me patience.  I do understand that he has to take things at his own pace.  However, just because I understand it, doesn't mean I like it.  We've only been in each other's presence twice *smiles at memory* and both instances left mental and physical marks on me (not what you may be thinking).  I certainly have an affinity towards him and I can point out several things where I feel like he's warming up to me.  Testing the waters if you will.  The whole situation started to feel a little too familiar.  Here's a guy that I really like.  I'm unsure of what we are.   When asked what he wants from me, it caused a creative difference between us and I was shot down.  The question not answered at all.  Anyway, things are progressing between us and I'm left in the dark.  I feel fearful to express how I really feel because I don't want to be open and vulnerable and quite frankly he hasn't earned that level of openness yet.  I'm giving and giving and the scales aren't even.   Meanwhile he has broken every rule I have in my head.  Yep, this is sounding all too familiar.  Haven't I been in this situation before?  

 Back to the message.

So our creative differences started to escalate and I dislike being mad over text.  Things get lost or misunderstood etc.  I was writing something when he asked me to allow him to finish a thought and so I erased what I was about to say and allowed him to proceed.  What he wrote further infuriated me because had he allowed me to finish, some things that he said wouldn't have been written.  I let him finish.  I read and then I felt the air let out of me.  I walked away from the phone and wrote nothing.  After noticing I read the messages but didn't respond, he wrote 'Awesome.'   I knew what that meant.  I ignored it.  I walked away.  Instead of cooling down I was warming up.  This felt familiar.  I was so upset!  Who he think he is messaging me all this shit? Does he have any idea the amount of self sacrifices, self rules and self LAWS broken?...for him? TF?  Shoot there are things I've done that I didn't even do with the other guy.  Oh he's going to get it!  All my years of therapy out the window.  Hmm feels familiar.  I called him and I went off.  Well he isn't like the guy from my past that let me rant.  He interrupted and that further infuriated me.  I knew exactly what I should've done but I didn't.  After he allowed me to say very little, he went on to address the things I wrote and the things I said.  At one point he asked if he has to teach me word structure.  Like W..TF?!  So, now I felt like he schooling me.  I started to feel very little.  I had a nice little image of myself in the past where I was on the phone when the other guy called me to tell me about my behavior.  That shame, guilt and anger was on the spin cycle in my heart and I just stopped talking.  I shutdown.  When he was finished I told him that he was right and that I was wrong and bid him goodnight.  I instantly added  his number to the reject list and was ready to say goodbye.  Then, like a lightning bolt it alllllll made sense why I wrote what I wrote to that guy after all these years.  The unhealed past was face to face with the present.  I was like SOB! 

 I went into the call log to unblock his number and realized that I had already missed a call from him. I was just thinking 'oh.. when the phone rang and it was him ...shit!'  I answered.  He asked if I had just sent him to voicemail.  I said no.  I didn't lie but technically I did.  He asked if I was okay.  I lied and said yes.  I was much calmer.  Calmer yes, but more so shame ridden.  I had behaved badly and acted like a fool and I was face to face with the past in the present.  He told me goodnight.  I pointed out that I said that earlier but he rebutted with, that I didn't give him a chance to respond.  Ie I hung up on him (sounds familiar).  Touche.  But he was right. He expressed his displeasure of the night's events and said two things that were trigger sentences that was reminiscent of what I heard five years ago (no, he didn't say he wanted more between us.  Other things, I won't share here).   I said goodnight and the call ended.  I text the guy from the past and told him I now understand why this has come up between us after all these years.  He asked why?  I told him because I think I'm in the same situation and I'm not handling it nor do I think I'm going to handle it well.  His response? "why run from the situation? If you have a good reason to then by all means run, but why run if you don't have to?" I read the message and said aloud to myself: who TF said anything about running?  Then my mind replayed all that I wanted to do which was very much equivalent to me switching from my flats to my sneakers and mentally heading for the door.  I sat there, in my bed, muted.  Things started to come together.  He was the one I was speaking to last Wednesday night when randomly that old pain that I hadn't felt in five years hit me.  It made sense why my friend's name popped up twice during my forgiveness ritual.  I wasn't healed.  I was given an opportunity to face the problem three years ago, instead my heart was cold and ignored it, thinking I could just write his name down and not do the work to heal.  It made sense why his name came up again a year later, immediately after the ritual and he even called me.  Instead I glossed over it.  It made sense out of nowhere I began writing that letter to him on Tuesday and at least this time I faced the issue and hit send.  *HALT* Healing has begun.  You see, life had given me two beautiful opportunities to heal that aspect of my past.  That aspect of my heart.  I slammed the door shut.  Just like when we ignore our bodies, it knocks us off our feet and FORCES us to better take care of ourselves, I was comforted with the issue WHILE just a day before, I begun healing the issue.  *deep sigh* SMH.

Fifteen minutes of solid realization came and I knew what I had to do.  I sent a message for the current guy to ' please call me.'  Shucks just writing the word please was hard.  Felt like I was begging.   I wanted to rectify the situation.  He responded and asked what for.  I told him I'll like to share something with him.  He again shared his distaste for the night's events.   He mentioned that I should share it tomorrow.  I told him I'm not sure if I'll do so tomorrow.  I didn't mean that in any malicious way.  I just didn't know if I would have the courage to share a story that I never shared with my BEST FRIENDS or therapist or even written about in a journal.  I mean, really?  Not even in any of my journals did I share this experience.  In the space of a day I had shared this experience, that was hidden for so long, via text to four people near and dear to me and there I was about to share it VERBALLY to someone I haven't known two months (sounds familiar?  Life's a B!)?  Ya, *HALT* Healing has begun.  He responded again with tomorrow.  SHOTDOOOOWN! ....LOL!  Nah.  This time my years of therapy and flipping sense came into play.  I respected his wishes.  What good would him calling me and me sharing the story do if he wasn't receptive?  None!  Instead, I apologized for my behavior and bid him a goodnight.  Then I felt that pain and began to cry.  

Four and half committed bf/gf relationships totaling roughly, hmm, round it to 13 years and I felt that pain twice by two guys who I was never in a relationship.  Ooo the irony.

I cried and I cried.  Just like the last time.  It was 12:05a and I called Ms. Royalty and she didn't answer.  I called her sister, Nikole.  The latest I've ever dialed her number.  No answer. I called those two first because they were more familiar with the situation.   I called my bff, BJD.  She answered.  I really didn't want to bother her because I know she has had a some long days being in Chicago at a conference and all.  And I knew she had to be up early for more round-tables or whatever and would be flying back home the same day so she needed her sleep.  But hey, after 15 years of friendship she's my "2 a.m. friend."  She answered and of course I couldn't speak.  I was just crying and I just could not speak.  So the line was kept open as I cried and she spoke and I responded via text.  Currently, just like the past she knows of this new guy but doesn't know the depths of my feelings.  I keep that very protected.  Right now only two people knows, just like the past.  When I shared with her the exchange between the guy from the past she was floored.  She never knew there was so much depth to it.  Hey, it's me.  If I don't want someone to know something they will never know.  You wouldn't even know what to ask because you just would have no idea...what to ask.  She was a little taken aback by whom I was crying over.  She had no clue I was feeling this way towards him.  Anyway she interrupted a message I was typing and instructed me to close my eyes and she began to pray. "Father God, I come before you today with my friend Shaniquea.  You know her heart.  Please comfort her...Please show her if this is a situation that she should stay in or just something to learn from.  Please light her path...Lord most importantly please give her the strength to walk away if needs be and leave her with peace with whatever the outcome may be.  Amen."  I cried some more but afterwards I found my voice and I started to tell her just how I feel.  She gave me feedback.  I was still feeling that pain in my heart but it was a little different.  She suggested I take a moment to pray for myself.  I took a moment to mentally ask God for his angels to surround me and comfort me and to help me heal the past and help me with the present and strength for whatever the future may be.  By 2:45am she wished me a good night.  I cried some more.  I sat there and the whole conversation and my behavior replayed in my head.  Mostly my behavior.  Then some things that he said that reminded me of what was said in the past just made me feel like once again that I may have missed out on something.  Like I messed up.  Before I knew it, it was 4am.  *cue Jill's Scott's song "Insomnia" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE9k7QwwxIo).  Then it was 5am.  Suddenly, as if someone flipped a switched in my head...I lowered my eyelids to a menacing stare, and pursed my lips with a scowl, and just like a few Jews after the Holocaust, I said "F**ck YOU HITLER!" LOL!  Well I didn't really say that.  I replaced Hitler with ego.  Turned off Jill Scott in my head and I jumped up off the bed.  I cleaned up all the soiled tissues.  Turned on the computer and brought up Bunji Garlin- "Red Light District (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIf0K8UZ0k0) and started chipping.  " Ha, Well every man like a woman with skills Take yuh cheque, big money and change them to singular bills, And when she talk to you with those hips, She make you wanna tip, tip, tip, tip, lawd is like a woman that strip, ha"  Then when that was done I played Cloud 5- "No behavior" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spledHp3_Lo) and I buss a smile and started whining my waistline.  "When we touch down the whole place shell down."  

Here's the thing, I can continuously beat myself up over how I behaved five years ago and how I behaved moments ago.  Or I could look at the fact that I DID handle the situation slightly differently than before.  1.  I made no vows. 2.  I didn't take any steps to eradicate him from my life or memory nor am I going to.  3.  I apologized for my behavior.  That's huge.  I didn't apologize five years ago.  4.  I did not push the issue once I realized he wasn't going to be receptive.  5.  I didn't cry for hours.  Instead I made a conscious decision to learn from it and trust that the best outcome will occur.  Then I grabbed my school books because it was 5:15am and homegirl had a quiz that night and she wasn't about to fail, a long day of work ahead and a lunch date with my creative guru and male bff, Ryan.  I wanted to cancel but I did no such thing.  By this time I had not slept, but it was okay.  I studied.  Of course, while I was studying tears came and I would feel the pain but instead of doubling over I welcomed it and allowed it to wash over me and then leave my body.  By 7am it was time to get ready for work and I decided I was going to wear something fabulous.  I felt like wearing a dress.  I tried three different ones but none of them felt right.  The fourth one however felt good and I wore that.  I went to work and my supervisor saw my eyes and was about to ask if I was smoking.  LOL!  I went to Kady's desk to say hello and she saw me and asked what's wrong.  And you know something?  I SPOKE about it.  Not the whole thing because I started crying but I shared with her the messages and she too didn't know I was even still speaking to him much less, felt that way.

Before I knew it, Ryan was at the job and Kady, Shawnie and I went downstairs to meet him for lunch.  Let me tell you.  I LAUGHEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD SO HARD at lunch!  From an incident that happened to Kady at the restaurant to Shawnie constantly staring at how voluptuous my boobs were looking and stretching across the table to touch them and Kady 'napping' on them like pillows- I just LAUGHED!  I went back to work and reminded myself that no one died and that I'll be alright.  The situation will work out for the best of both parties.  I went to school and I was filled with warm smiles.  I kept my shades on though.  My eyes were too red and the fluorescent lights were hurting my eyes.  After class I went home and passed out.

The Future:

 Well it's Friday!  TGIF!!! 

It was 3:33 when I woke up.  I decided to write in my journal some thoughts about this whole lovely experience (not being sarcastic) and then I pulled out my "Our Daily Bread" and read today's reading.  The title was "2 a.m. Friends"  LOL!  I thanked God for my 2am friends and then I was inspired to share this story with you.  

I have no idea what the future holds.  I tend to have colorful experiences and I guess part of that is so that I can share my experiences with you and you learn along with me.  

I'm sure there are people and or situations that you have going on in your life that you need to heal.  Maybe you thought you did but really you only wet the band aid and placed it on the wound.  Life will continuously resend you lessons, that which you have not learned from.  It'll be a different face but the lesson the same.  Time to confront that sucker and do the work and heal.  Ask for strength to deal with the situation AND ask for peace with whatever the outcome may be.

*PROCEED* Healing in Progress.  

Love,

 



Shy

 

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